Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Wanna-be Happy Thinker

The name of this blog kinda cracks me up.
'Cause in all honesty,
I kinda identify more with being a pessimist than an optimist.
A sarcastic, let's-make-this-crappy-situation-hilarious pessimist, but alas...a pessimist.
However, the wanna-be eternal optimist in me is uncomfortable with the word "pessimist."
Seems kinda harsh.
...because progress and change can be made every day, right?
I never did like a label.

Let's just say,
When my glass is oftentimes running on empty,
I have to make a conscious decision to fill 'er on up.

Think happy!
It's an invitation, I truly have to make to my mind {sometimes several times a day}...when it thinks silly things like...
"But what if?!" <Insert catastrophic situation>
"Why me?!" <Still learning the ever-annoying, life's not fair lesson>
"We're all going to die?!" <Actually, I blame that one on "The Walking Dead">
"I am never/always going to..."
"I can't..."
"I'm not enough..."

Living in that distorted thinking - "If I can think/create a horrible enough thought/situation, then when actual disappointment does come....I will be prepared/protected" is just the most exhausting way to live. {Trust me, I've lived in that zipcode a time or two million} and....It's just not the truth. I consider it a defense mechanism, but FEAR doesn't defend me from disappointment. Disappointment comes, and it hurts no matter what. Might as well {think happy} in the meantime, control what i can...and give the rest to Jesus. Can I get an amen?

I originally sat down to write a Thanksgiving post. As I thought about my many {unable to even number!} blessings, I felt intense guilt wash over me. How could someone as blessed as me, be so ungrateful??? I live in comfortable circumstances, in a free land, I have delicious food to eat & WIFI capabilities! I thought about my car that I've been complaining about all week, that has been sporting a ghetto-fab garbage-bag-covered window in the rain. I thought about my beautiful, healthy family, that sometimes gets what's left of me, after I give my limited energies to other things. I thought about how ungrateful and self centered I can tend to act...wah, wah, wahhhhh....

Oh, pessimism.
It's not fun.
But it is a choice.

Thinking happy is a choice of true gratitude.
Being grateful, being present, just being.
Softening the judgements I put on myself and others.
Taking a breath, a break, a nap, or a hiatus.
Holding myself to a standard of grace, not perfection.
Enjoying the "delicious ambiguity" of the journey.
Healthy self-love and setting healthy boundaries with others.
Putting my head down, and going to work.

Yep, thinking happy is WORK for me.
But it's good, rewarding, soul work.
And I look forward to the eventual day when it comes a bit more natural.

Until then, I'll just keep on tryin' and be ever-grateful that I have a husband who is prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse. ;)